1) The fireplace is off limits during office hours! I spend 24/7 working on all kinds of S.H.I.T. and what happens? Some human slacker stokes up a fire and I lose an entire day of productivity from getting my head caught in the firewood tongs, leaving soot stains all over my white shirt. Eyes glazed with stress, I'm then forced to interrupt my busy schedule to break the tongs, chew the fireplace broom to ribbons and have a shampoo. All fireplace perks are hereby rescinded.
2) Now, people, what is our company name? ARTsyCatsy. What is our mission? ART. You human artists were brought on board for two reasons: a) to serve the catstaff's every need; and b) to produce ART! Therefore, no more personal phone calls, no surfing the Web, no extended lunches, and all vacations are cancelled until further notice. All humans are to get back to their drawing boards at once. What's that? ... oh, our human artist Suzanne would like to point out that she has produced three more portraits ... let's see them, Suzanne ... 
Thank you, Suzanne, I'll be sure to note this at your next performance review. But I would advise all our human artists to recognize that it is a supreme privilege to work for we cats, and nothing you do will ever likely be enough.Now, people, hustle, hustle, get back to work!
